So I Was Drinking...

When a sentence commences in such a fashion, you just know nothing good could come from this. As always, I am right, since half an hour ago I woke up having relations with Riley, Rachel, and Kate. I literally have not slept for about fifty hours because of methamphetamine's stimulant characteristics. I could if I wanted to take some alprazolam and/or Seroquel 400. THERE IS A REASON WHY IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT YOU ONLY TAKE ONE - THIS SHIT MAKES QUALUDES LOOK LIKE COCAINE. ONLY TAKE ONE.

OR ELSE YOU WILL DIE. NO, SERIOUSLY. I'M NOT SHITTING YOU. I TAKE ONE OR TWO OF THOSE PILLS DOWNED WITH A FIFTH OF VODKA

(AS IS OBVIOUS, ALL NORDIC GIRLS ARE ALCOHOLICS - WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU CALL THOSE HOT DANISH GIRLS WHO LITERALLY DRINK HEINEKEN BEER ALL DAY LONG AND THEN GET SURPRISED THAT THEIR LIVERS ARE SHOT? AT LEAST I KNOW I'M KILLING MYSELF WITH ALCOHOL, METH, SEROQUEL...I'd better stop before I end up looking bad for all the hydromorphone pills, alprazolams, VALIUMS, medicinal marijuana, 54mg methylphenidate, 36mg methylphenidate, some strange anaesthetic for some random eye problem (it's probably either cocaine hydrochloride or benzocaine or novocaine - all three of these are stimulants - cocaine hydrochloride being the strongest so this is probably what they gave me but I put it in my eyes so I don't know), Vicodin, Percocet, DURA-FUCKING-GESIC because I was trying to fix the air conditioner on my lazy mother's house and I fell off, injuring my back (NOW I'M NAUSEOUS ALL THE TIME - DESPITE THE FACT THAT MY MARIJUANA IS THE BEST THING EVER SINCE I GROW IT MYSELF AND MY FRIEND NIKKI OWNS A PLANT SHOP AND IS A BOTANIST WHO ASSISTS ME IN EXCHANGE FOR COKE), lorazepam, oxazepam, chlordiazepoxide, 40mg oxycodone FOUR TIMES A DAY WHAT THE FUCK, and to top it all off, this drug called "OraMorph." This thing is LITERALLY THE WORST THING EVER because you could either a) chew it, release all 200mg of MORPHINE THE GOLD STANDARD FOR OPIATES AND OPIOIDS all at once, lasting for a good six hours if you're the most hardcore junkie (and by "Junkie" I specifically refer to users of opiates or opioids, usually morphine or heroin - "Junk" is slang for morphine after all) or kill you if are not a professional morphine addict. Even when I take this kind of pill, OraMorph, I ALWAYS MUST VOMIT AND I OFTEN ALMOST FALL ASLEEP BECAUSE IT'S 200mg of goddamn MORPHINE. Seriously the only reason I take opiates and opioids is because of several sources of pain: the cancer, the fall off the roof, me getting into a fight with a black asshole who sold me shitty weed, and getting hit by a car...I ENVY THE DEAD. Someone or other is going to be bringing me methadone and MORE VALIUM (every heroin addict who's ever "cut down" knows that they must convince a physician to put them on methadone maintenance - then the Junkies immediately go back home, call their dealer(s), order 100 Klonopins, combine it with the methadone and all the sudden you feel as if you've taken ACTUAL morphine - and now I'm taking 3 different benzodiazepines? IT'S LIKE I CAN JUST WALK INTO A DOCTOR'S OFFICE, ANNOUNCE THAT I HAVE A PAINFUL STOMACH VIRUS AND IF I HAVE INSURANCE, WHICH I DO, HE WOULD LITERALLY PROBABLY GIVE ME MORPHINE AND AMOXICILLIN AND SAY "LEAVE, DRUG-SEEKER - WE NEED MORPHINE FOR SICK PEOPLE" BEFORE I SHOW THEM THE CANCER.

This is the shit that my life has become. If PCP/phencyclidine didn't make me so dizzy I'd test positive for the NIDA-5/SAMSHA-5 right now. It's ridiculous. I'm a morphine addicted because I FELL OFF THE ROOF. Doctors must hear this shit every day. Morphine addicts the world over have finally realized after many a pipe dream what with the opium itself that if they "fall" (and by this I mean throwing themselves off the roof with the intent to fall on a place that would cause serious injury that is also probably painful, HOW COULD A DOCTOR NOT GIVE THEM MORPHINE? Even if they hurt themselves on purpose just to get pain pills THE DOCTOR HAS TO GIVE THESE PILLS TO THEM ESPECIALLY IF SURGERY IS GOING TO BE INVOLVED.

And remember...next time you contemplate suicide don't pull a Robert Carradine and hang yourself while masturbating in a BATMAN SUIT. If you want to off yourself, take four grams or five grams of quetiapine (this is maybe 15 Seroquels), mix the lethal cocktail with alcohol (for me, I prefer Sobieski but then again since I am Danish I am legally required to be an alcohol connoisseur (AKA drinks 100 Heineken 40 oz. a day due to a liver constructed from pieces of Thor's Hammer) so if you're a worthless Mexican try some cheap tequila or whatnot. Maybe y'all should go to DENMARK! I don't give a shit as long as I can't smell them.

RANDOM PATHETIC THING I SAW JUST NOW OUT THE WINDOW
A policeman. On a Segway. Now I've literally seen everything. THERE IS NO EARTHLY WAY TO TAKE A COP ON A SEGWAY SERIOUSLY. If a cop on a Segway pulled me over for speeding ("speeding" is just a word invented by some black bastard - going 140mph when there are no cars is not "speeding." It's an excuse for black cops to pull over black criminals in their black cars and then looking for black tar heroin and not finding it BECAUSE BLACK TAR IS KINDA TERRIBLE - Maryland has the best heroin but morphine beats all.

RANDOM PRESIDENTIAL HILARITY
So Barack Hussein Obama decided the other day to visit post-Katrina New Orleans and so there I was, watching the CNN, and Obama is watching a 5-year-old dance on a ball. I wish that I could say I was joking, I really do. You all know I can't stand Nancy Pelosi's puppet of a different color, but seriously while that ridiculous oil spill approaches the U.S. mainland, OBAMA PLAYS. I forgot the address of the clip; I saw it on CNN and later also on the Daily Show. It is complete proof that President Obama has no idea what he's doing. Two years as a domestic politician? And now he thinks that by disarming some missiles, cancelling NASA, and generally pissing off the entire Air Force and every pilot of every airplane on the ground.

NEXT TIME (IF I REMEMBER): I SURVIVED (A) HOLOCAUST: THE THIRD WORLD WAR OTHERWISE KNOWN AS the 1990-1991 war between Iraq and Kuwait. This is the war that makes me have PTSD and multiple personality disorder with FOUR ALTERS INCLUDING ME - this is the shit that happens to Vietnam vets. The other day, a motorcycle passed me; its noise was extra rattly and it sounded like an artillery machinegun from back in Kuwait SO I DUCKED AND COVERED. WHAT THE FUCK. There were like 3 people who saw me experience this war flashback and they must've found it entertaining.

You know, there is a reason why my stage name is Annie and my band is called Annie Allison and the Holocausts. I literally am the reincarnation of Anne Frank of Holland - right down to our sense of humor. Though it will sound controversial and pro-German, I loved the book because it was so funny. Anne and I would've gotten along well. If you have ever read the book, you'd be surprised they were not arrested sooner. Mr. Van Daan complained about EVERYTHING - I would have turned him into the German authorities just to shut him up. He was also the first to be gassed out of the group. Anne and Margo Frank were not gassed. A few weeks before the liberation of the concentration camp by British forces, they both succumbed to typhoid fever, but her life in the Secret Annex was forever written down by the only Holocaust "Survivor" (can one even call themselves a survivor of anything had they seen war? I knew at the age of three what "hanging to death," "terrorists," and "La Cia" were.

Of course you know of the first two, but the third, La Cia, was the Spanish (mostly Colombian) word to refer to diplomats and CIA members - I could tell you "people" more about the CIA, the Kuwaiti Terrorists, and HOW TOTALLY CLOSE WE WERE TO WORLD WAR THREE.

(I shall conclude by explaining to you why the 1990-1991 War Between Iraq and Kuwait almost became the shitstorm of the century.)

What many people do not know is that Iraq had further plans after Saddam Hussein received a green light from the antisemite April Glaspie to invade Kuwait without NATO intervention, which was the exact opposite of what she was told to tell Saddam Hussein and was promptly fired, leaving American consulate to Baghdad and all-around BADASS Joe "YOU LIE!" Wilson as the highest-ranking American diplomat/CIA operative in Iraq.

WHY JOE WILSON IS THE ULTIMATE BADASS
At the beginning of 1991 it was common knowledge among the people of Baghdad that Joe Wilson of the CIA, the head diplomat, was harbouring Americans, Canadians, and British people who were particularly being hunted for by the Iraqi government to have bargaining chips (since my father was also in the CIA obviously he went to Baghdad from Kuwait City in a car with an Iraqi defector from Basra who was armed to the teeth). When President Saddam Hussein found out about this, he threatened A DIPLOMAT WITH DEATH. YOU DO NOT DO THAT BECAUSE IT CAUSES INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS.

But, Saddam Hussein, being desperate, insisted that Wilson turn in the foreign prisoners (Saddam Hussein was desperate because early on in the war FRANCE DECLARED ITS NEUTRALITY WHAT A SHOCK). Jacques Chirac, who was at this time not the French President but still was un version Francais de l'homme, "Dick Cheney" - he and Saddam Hussein were butt-buddies because of their shared views on nuclear energy.

Anyway, back to why Joe Wilson was the ultimate badass of the war. After the President's threat, Saddam Hussein called for a meeting. Joe Wilson turned up with a NOOSE, saying, "If you're going to kill me, well, here's the noose."

-@llison Fairweather