Announcing Allison’s Newer, Godawfuler Format
Bitches.
PERIODIC AND FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES USELESS GUIDE TO MY FORMAT:
· Whatever is in green is a very basic summary of what you are about to see.
· The name of the article and my lame caption is typed in bold. The thing you get when you press CTRL+B.
· Whatever is typed in regular, Arial 10 type is the content of the actual article itself.
· My commentary is written in blue italics.
o Just in case you’re brain-dead, “My Commentary” is what I think about the subject and I encourage comments. Remember that much of what I speak is borderline tongue-in-cheek so don’t go all Jewish on me and whine.
· My verdict is written in red italics.
o Because I automatically assume that your level of intelligence is far below my own, which for the record is 136, which is pretty smart, I will have to explain this to you morons too. It will be mild commentary followed by a Stupidity Rating based on several factors.
AND NOW I WILL START DOWN THERE
A woman thinks boy molested daughter, no proof or motive, boy arrested anyway
BOY "MOLESTS" GIRL 3 TIMES
Public wants to know what exactly he did
“A 5-year-old girl was molested while playing at a McDonald's playground in West Albuquerque, according to court documents.
Roman Boyd, 18, was arrested and charged with three counts of criminal sexual contact of a [5-year-old-girl]. He was being held Friday at the Metropolitan Detention Center on a $75,000 bond. The incident occurred at the McDonald's at 1901 Coors Blvd. SW.
The girl's mother noticed a man, later identified as Boyd, sitting with her daughter on the slide. When she called to her daughter Boyd darted out the emergency exit, according to the complaint.”
Analysis:
Allison J. Fairweather
Rapist Expert and High Priest of the Revolution
By now you must understand why this is fun, so let’s examine the aspects:
What exactly did he DO to her? For all we know he could have been pushing her on the slide and playing with her, maybe he was a nice guy? But then again people always want to believe the worst. What happens when I mature and have babies? Will I turn into the sort of cunt that I currently would like to practice target-shooting on? Maybe I'll just never grow up and rose-tint my world like when J.M. Barry decided to smoke of the opium, fly up to Neverwhere, fighting pirates made of rainbows, riding ponies made of gumdrops, and dancing with all the faeries, Sprites, and Caligula.
Verdict:
-Molestation: 10 (they did not describe it!)
-McDonalds Factor: 40 (I always thought that Ronald would be the first restaurant rapist)
-They give the Rape Restaurant’s Address 50 (bye-bye 80% of their female customer base)
-Roman Boyd = Roman Polanski?: 10 (note to self, do not name son Roman as they are usually pervs)
-There is pretty much no proof: 30 (all they’ve got on him is that he ran away after the mom called)
-Moral Panic Points: 100 (OH GOD EVERY MAN IS A POTENTIAL RAPIST BREAK OUT THE MACE)
-Paranoid Women Points: 20 (this is about as common as the cockroaches after the world ended)
FINAL STUPIDITY POINTS: 260
(this is good for a first article)
New Mexico police departments underfunded, possible link to the reason most cops are stupid, stuck-up assholes
POLICE, FIRE TRAINING TO LESSEN IN NEW MEXICO
Budget to blame
“Police and fire budgets in Farmington are tighter now than ever, leading workers to train more often within their departments and less outside of the city for more specialized instruction.
Deputy fire Chief Terry Page says budget cuts this year will continue next fiscal year and have stopped the fire department from funding travel for firefighters to get outside training.
He says firefighters in units such as the hazardous materials and technical rescue teams must pay for their own specialized training when it takes place outside the city.
They also must find other firefighters to cover their shifts if the training takes place when they are scheduled to work because the department won’t pay overtime for that.
Meanwhile, the police department's travel budget has dropped from about $40,000 during past years to about $8,000.”
Analysis:
Allison J. Fairweather
Expert on Cop-Nigga Relations
I say fuck New Mexican police. The more dead the better. They are comprised mostly of mean, uneducated, self-important assholes with no respect for the superior White individual - 14 times last year and two times this year, these bastards harass me, mostly over noise complaints and a fight that got me a sentence over a year long (well he started it). This is ridiculous - the cops say their budget is small, but they seem to still have time to piss people off with random "noise complaints." Much like all Mexicans, they should leave my country immediately because you just can't trust the Mexican leech. Then the police department calls people once a month "asking" for donations. The last person I knew who didn't pay the donations (READ: Extortion Money) had her car repossessed. I just tell them to go back to Mexico or go fuck themselves or do something else beneficial to other people. But two can play at that game. I do not even open the door if there are inferiors in my sight and that the officer I speak to be White. Our society is conditioned to show respect and tolerance and all this hippie shit, being all PC - xenophobia in places like Japan and France and the Middle East is completely accepted. And here in the U.S. we're told that racism is universally wrong - fuck that, I at least give inferiors a chance because there is sometimes a nice big diamond in those sacks of shit but the truth is that being a jerk is genetic and that some people are worth more than others. The fire department's budget is more important to me since at least they're not dickless assholes and they actually do their job right.
Verdict:
-Police stupidity: 30 (I finally may have found a clue as to why cops are always dumb shits)
-Jewish city treasurer: 50 (he won’t appropriate enough funds, oh what a shocker right there)
-Comedic Pathos Factor: 50 (this state is fucking pathetic)
FINAL STUPIDITY POINTS: 130
(this is just downright pathetic and I’m ashamed of having ever heard of New Mexico)
Lifelong book-hater kills librarians in a DWI Accident
DENVER ALCOHOLIC DRIVES DRUNK, CRASHES, GETS SUED, AND JAILED
Librarians get the book thrown at them
“A judge Friday sentenced a woman to 36 years in prison for a drunken-driving crash that killed two Connecticut librarians, saying her blood-alcohol level at the time of the crash was "grotesque."
Sandra Jacobson apologized to the victims' families before her sentencing.
"Once again, I can't turn back time and bring them back to you. I would give anything to be able to do that," she said.
Prosecutors said Jacobson's blood-alcohol level was still twice the legal limit several hours after the crash that killed Kate McClelland, 71, and Kathleen Krasniewicz, 54, both of Greenwich, Conn. They were in a taxi on their way to Denver International Airport to return home after a convention.
Denver District Judge Robert McGahey said Jacobson waited too long to apologize, and he criticized her for claiming that she was not drunk when the accident happened in January 2009.
Jacobson said she was unaware the crash had occurred while she was driving to the airport to ship a puppy named Baxter to her brother in Dallas. She testified that it was at the airport after the accident that she had a banana schnapps mixed with vitamin water - what she called a "road pop" - that had been in the back seat of her truck from the previous night.
"It's an insult to the intelligence of anyone who heard it," McGahey said, referring to Jacobson's story.
Jacobson also was ordered pay $22,000 in restitution. She was convicted on charges of vehicular homicide in April.
Jacobson's family spoke before she was sentenced and asked the judge for mercy.
"I am not in the mercy business, I am not in the forgiveness business. I am in the justice business," McGahey said.”
Analysis:
Allison J. Fairweather
Hardcore Functioning Alcoholic Who Has Never Driven Drunk Like that Bint
Yes, we all know that driving after drinking too much alcohol can cause an accident. Yes DWI is the main crime problem in the state, followed by marijuana and methamphetamine and should carry harsh penalties especially for repeat offenders, but 36 years for vehicular homicide? I don't have my Colorado law books on me, but to me, had I been the judge I would have given her one count of DWI and two counts of involuntary (possibly voluntary, but not likely) manslaughter and vehicular manslaughter on two counts. Maybe throw in an open container in vehicle and hit-and-run charge as well. But the thing is that she did not do it on purpose, she made the mistake of driving a car with a blood alcohol content of probably over .25 (I mean, she didn't even notice the accident...obviously she was very intoxicated - my highest was a .9, but no, I wasn't driving at ten times the legal limit - I was just told this once in a hospital). Now, I'm not particularly FOR the extermination of North America's librarians but 36 years for an accident (though stupid and totally avoidable) is a bit much and this is coming from a tough-on-REAL crime badass who wants the return of the death penalty. And for Christ's sake, if New Mexico does bring it back, GIVE THE PRISONERS OPTIONS. Also, don't do the firing squad execution the Utah way. It's hilarious on at least four levels and is a monument to police stupidity.
Verdict:
-The Randomness Factor: 50 (I mean, come on…two librarians killed in one fell swoop?)
-The “So one day while drinking…”: 40 (nothing good ever comes from alcohol and cars combined)
-The WTF Factor: 100 (I didn’t notice that I had a likely serious accident strong enough to hurt 3 others)
-A 2.5 BAC is significantly higher, but not “grotesquely drunk: 10 (women…pfft…I’m staying a girl forever)
-Ridiculously Long Sentence: 50 (she wouldn’t last 36 years in prison. She’ll hang herself immediately)
-I Swear to Drunk I’m Not God: 150 (she said at first that she had not been drinking but later slipped)
-Judge McGahey’s Dramatic Quote: 100 (if I ever film a Western I will insist to the director to use this)
-Groveling to No Avail: 30 (how pathetic…she should’ve just offered to blow him)
-Irrelevant Details: 60 (why would I care the dog’s name, why do I care the name of her cocktail?)
FINAL STUPIDITY POINTS: 490
(best so far!)
Overworked New Mexico courts eliminate statute of limitations even though the prisons are full
COURT OKAYS PROSECUTION OF 20-YEAR-OLD FELONIES
I spout boring legal jargon until you die
“The state Supreme Court on Friday [in Santa Fe] cleared the way for the prosecution of violent felonies committed more than 20 years ago.
The ruling gives a powerful legal tool to police and prosecutors across New Mexico to pursue cold cases and bring charges that otherwise would have been precluded by a statute of limitations.
The court issued its unanimous ruling in the case of Nicholas Morales, who was charged in Socorro County with raping a child his niece from 1978 to 1985.
A 1997 state law abolished the 15-year statute of limitations for charging a person with murder and first-degree felonies. At issue for the court was whether the law applied to crimes before July 1, 1997, when the law took effect.
"Because capital felonies and first-degree violent felonies committed after July 1, 1982, were not time-barred as of the effective date of the 1997 amendment, we hold that the Legislature intended the 1997 amendment to apply to those crimes," the justices concluded.
The decision means charges can be brought for first-degree felonies, such as murder and certain rapes, that happened between July 1982 and July 1979.
However, the Supreme Court made clear its ruling doesn't revive the prosecution of felonies in which the statute of limitations had expired by 1979, when the law went into effect.
Morales was charged in 2005. A state district court declined to dismiss the charges against him because of a statute of limitations, and Morales challenged the decision. The state Court of Appeals ruled the 1979 law didn't apply retroactively and prosecutors couldn't charge him. The Supreme Court disagreed and ordered the case back to district court.”
Analysis
Allison J. Fairweather
Criminal, Witch, Rock Star
Yes, Nick Morales was probably a mean and mentally disturbed man when he was sexually harassing the girl back in '78. Those numbers are what's important here. 37 years ago, this man made a bad decision for five years in a row, well, he's stopped now, hasn't he? The whole point of the statute of limitations thing is almost to say "you're on thin ice - don't push it." By this I mean that statutes of limitations would cause certain cold cases to be dropped and kept on file, so as long as the individual obeys the law for however long the SOL is in such-and-such a state for such-and-such a crime. He made a mistake 37 years ago. He's probably a different man by now. Also, has anyone spoken to his niece about this? I want to see her take on this. I bet it's going to be like the thing with the French movie guy and the little girl all those years ago - she already sued him and he gave her money in damages. The girl doesn't want the French guy sent to the United States because they both want to put it past them. Unfortunately, the public just loves sacrificial lambs; and rapists, Frenchmen, Jews, and famous directors are the best kind of fodder and would be raped again by the terrible liberal media and it’s paparazzi rapists. I get constant media attention due to the fact that I’m the founder and lead singer of antifolk band “Annie and the Holocausts.”
Also next book signing please refrain from making me sign stupid things. Last time I did a couple asses, an infant, and an angry Rottweiler dog that barked and scared the children but it was the assassination attempt mostly (not really…only 100 people were at the last signing but Christ if you’re a 500-pound Virgin don’t expect me to sign your ass when you have not wiped well. I hopefully will do a signing of Killer Acid in a few days if I have the time.
Verdict:
-The Rapist Moral Panic: 100 (EVERY MAN IS A POTENTIAL RAPIST OMG)
-It’s been 37 years: 100 (if I were the one molested, I’d sue him get it over with and go on with my life)
-Poor Molested Little Child Syndrome: 100 (the phrase itself is full of loaded words)
-The court system is loaded with work and the prisons are full and still: 100 (only a Mexican…)
-Rape victim becomes public figure: 500 (now everyone knows her shame and also remembers things)
-What is rape?: 500 (a 15-year-old girl having relations with a 21-year-old boy is not rape if they mutually consent and are in a romantic relationship, young people are not as stupid as you think)
-The law broke itself: 1000 (“Oh, well in this case, we’ll say fuck the SOL just because society is obsessed with rapists!”)
FINAL STUPIDITY POINTS: 2,500
(and the award for stupidest piece of news goes to the New Mexico Supreme Court)
NEXT UP PRESIDENT OBAMA VISITS OIL SPILL AND LAUGHS WITH KIDS AS MARINE LIFE DIES*
*No, seriously, I watched on CNN Obama visiting the oil spill area but wasn’t really doing anything. He was like in a kind of warehouse with a handful of people, and there was this little boy of about seven or eight kicking around a multicolored ball or something and for some reason Obama finds this to be the most amusing thing about this oil spill debacle which, all factors considered, is hilarious on more levels than I care to count. I’ve seen YouTube clips of their suggestions how to stop the problem and these brain-damaged hicks have “good” ideas such as using a bird as a rag, throwing rats into the spill (??), and drinking it. You read me right. He drinks the oil and gets sick and vomits because it is so toxic. That video clip on CNN hurts President Obama because it shows him just fucking around and playing, ignoring the problem. This is actually worse than him doing nothing. Say it with me, everybody: Obama doesn’t care about Black people! Now where have I heard that phrase before? Oh, wai-
-@llison J. Fairweather, TV Personality
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