BREAKING NEWS: LINDSAY LOHAN OFFICIALLY CONFIRMED AS MORON

As we speak alcoholic and reason for the "girls can't drive well" stereotype otherwise known as Lindsay Lohan is having a grand old time in France (you know, the country in Europe wherein an arrested individual is guilty until proven innocent, this is how upside-down they are) while California courts have a warrant issued out for her arrest because she violated probation in the exact same way I violated my own probation a while back by drinking alcohol every day. The difference here though is that I kept those morons fooled for almost a year strategically taking measures to prevent alcohol and the other shitload of drugs I take to show up on the thing. This is more proof of how stupid the legal system in New Mexico is. I am convinced that I was treated shittier than usual BECAUSE OF MY RACE!

All of the sudden now Mexican rapists under the guise of officers of the law are allowed to hit defenceless anorexic white girls who've been robbed and roughed up? What a country, eh? If this kind of crap is happening all over the place maybe next post I should post a diagram showing all the best places to hit an asshole for maximum incapacitation capacity, for instance, the balls, and a well-aimed kick literally in the ass so that the receptor loses his continence and shits his pants.

Anyway, back to Lindsay Lohan and her stupidity. So as I was saying while in France she was unable to show up for her probation hearing in the United States (the probation was for a 2007 DWI charge), probably because of that volcano in Iceland that inconvenienced everyone. In this particular scenario I would actually push for her not to be punished for missing the hearing because of the shitty situation in Europe.

Also, this example of mental retardation from the Omg section of Yahoo! News:

"[Lohan's] attorney Shawn Chapman Holley says that Lohan has a new temporary passport, and she hopes that she will be back in L.A. by Friday afternoon. However, Lohan is on the tip sheet for two parties Thursday night in France."

In other words, tomorrow she'll wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy (what the fuck does that mean? Hungover? Real alcoholics don't get hangovers!), probably forget her glasses and her clothes because they're kind of shitty. Then she'll leave for the airport with Jack Daniels in hand 'cause she knows that when she leaves she's got a permanent ban.

I would go into more details about Lindsay Lohan in a way that sounds like that stupid song, but I am not particularly interested in the life story of another girl's slutty underwear. The point I'm making is that maybe she'll be back by Friday, but the fact that this drunk driver with an arrest warrant out for her in California is leaving Cannes, France, to get canned, in LAX Airport. Seriously, though, how could she NOT expect to see cops waiting for her (probably waving a sign with her name on it, judging by the general stupidity displayed by tri-cocked cops)?

I say let her go free. I guarantee she'll somehow kill herself before the year is over. I mean, driving drunk on a road THE WRONG DIRECTION at night and having dozens of calls from people watching what a FUCKING IDIOT you are? Talk about rock bottom. Also, Social Darwinism, 'cause that's what's taking this girl who looks like a crack addict way before the law. JUST LOOK AT HER! She makes me regret being a HUMAN BEING! Everything about her is so godawful, it makes me ASHAMED TO CALL MYSELF A HOMO.

Also get a load of this shit:

"If bail is posted for the star, she will be forbidden from consuming any alcohol, must wear a "scram bracelet" (which measures alcohol in her system) and submit to random drug testing at least once a week."

What the hell is this? When I got arrested and put on subsequent probation I was also told not to drink alcohol or use drugs by the P.O. I didn't get this "scram bracelet" thing so I drank every single day while on probation. Oh wait - the differences is that she's arriving at LAX, the airport that serves most likely the majority of the racist ANTI-DEFECATION LEAGUE instead of the Albuquerque Sunport in New Mexico that lets whoever in whether your middle name is Hussein or if you're last name is bin Laden (and as a Saudi citizen I must say that the bin Ladens are highly respected as a family that built the most well-known construction company in Saudi Arabia, so Osama's kind of the black sheep, focusing on DEstruction of buildings, he got stripped of his citizenship in 1994 after his declaration of his master plan which involved destroying the >7,000-strong Saudi Royal Family in order to make the country MORE religious prior to his first attack on the World Trade Center).

Another stupid aspect of this Lindsay Lohan idiocy is the fact that COWARDLY EUROPEANS OR NOT, SHE STILL COULD HAVE CALLED HER P.O. I MEAN, EVEN I ALERTED MY PROBATION OFFICER PRIOR TO TRAVELING TO THE GODAWFUL ENTITY SOMETIMES REFERRED TO AS NEW ENGLAND AND SOMETIMES REFERRED TO AS GOD'S MISTAKE. How god damn difficult is this to do? Was she so drunk or hungover or what that she failed to make a motherfucking PHONE CALL that happened to be, hm, IMPORTANT?

Just imagine drunk cokehead and known prostitute Lindsay Lohan paying a random French guy to call her probation officer on her behalf as she fellates him.

-@llison