Rape: The Latest Trend Among Politicians?

Between the shit that's going down with Al Gore, Tipper Gore, and Molly the Masseuse and this string of rapes that's occurring in the East, it looks like rape is back in style.

Here is a Partial List of Rapists

1. Al Gore - Manbearpig decides to cheat on Tipper Gore (she's no saint either) with a 58-year-old masseuse named Molly back in 2006. If I had any contact whatsoever with Tipper in my lifetime I'd probably cheat too. The funny thing about this whole thing is the way in which he violated her. Trying to initiate a handjob and being turned down is pathetic enough. But then he thinks he can seduce her by playing Pink's anti-war song "Dear Mr. President." How is this supposed to get her sexually aroused? If you've ever heard the song, you would know that it is about Bush, not Clinton.
Mistake: Not having been aborted by his mother.

2. Jeffrey Dahmer - If you're young, you probably don't remember this guy, but he was a White supremacist and serial criminal who killed and raped almost 30 black guys before going to jail. Also, some of them he consumed since delusional people like that don't think about the ramifications of their stupid actions, usually because their mind is tricking them into thinking that "no" means "yes." Needless to say he was arrested and died there, while having a fight with a black inmate.
Mistake: Forgetting that there is a reason cannibalism is taboo. Remember the whole Mad Cow Disease media shitstorm? Well, the cause of the disease bovine encephalitis is pretty much accepted among cattle experts. Do you know what the slurry fed to farm animals often contains? Beef. A cow eating beef is similar to a person from India eating beef. They would not normally eat it under extreme measures or when the restaurant does not tell you the contents of its slurry. If a human eats another human, perhaps once, nothing bad would happen. Eating poorly-prepared human flesh on a daily basis will cause you to develop kiri - the Ironic Disease. Basically flesh-eating bacteria from the badly-processed meat enter the brain and eat you out from the inside. As the brain is consumed, it becomes apparent by their shaky hands, random laughter, paranoia, and manipulative abilities. Don't believe me? Watch The Book of Eli.

3. Barack Obama - The Token Black Guy. I could write a fucking book about how he is a manipulative asshole and still manages to bankrupt the country (don't tell me he inherited the debt from the actions of Bush Version 2.0 and Bill Clinton, both of whom required it for emergency situations. Right now I feel his cock up my ass almost 11%. This is only because my official job doesn't pay shit. No one likes flowers anymore. Barack Obama's idea of imposing higher taxes on the wealthy - he might as well pay contractors to assassinate himself - just to prove a point. My father is a high-ranking military officer in the United States Army. He works hard, helps the United States as a country, and as a reward - he gets taxed MORE. This is basically the incorrect Socialist thinking that all rich people are evil and dishonest. What the fuck, man? Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and lots of Fortune 500 members became rich because of their hard work. My father makes over $250,000 a year in the Army of the United States. He works often on translation from English to another language and helps to train (GOOD) Arabs in being soldiers. Basically I'm talking about an individual loyal his country, even at one point being a POW and some stints with the CIA which are "classified" - it's not like I'd tell! Although I do know many other CIA secrets, none of which I will tell you about now. If I were a lying Communist, then I probably would but as much as I hate my government, The Nation of North America is my home and native land. You can hate the president and his administration but still love America at the same time. I don't even like the bastard, but I don't condone the assassination of the UNITED STATES PRESIDENT. Sure, the man is terrible in my opinion, but assassinating THE NATION'S PRESIDENT just seems wrong no matter what, even if I want him out of office.
Mistake: Becoming President simply due to the fact that he is Black and knew he was the Token Black Guy. He used this to his advantage, because every time I speak of how I did not vote for him, mostly I'm asked: "Why? Because he's Black?" Now who's the racist? =P

Allison's Post Script
I know that most of you guys who read this shitty weblog are racists and whatnot; I don't like Barack Hussein Obama either but treachery aside, do you really wish for the death of this clown? Not me! The presidential line of succession has been tweaked (probably by the Democratic Party) in favor of the current members of the party whose mascot is a jackass, whose president is a jackass, and whose leader is worse than the Holocaust.

PS. Yes I know that there have been other stupid politicians in the past. Even some halfway-intelligent ones sometimes make stupid decisions. Franklin Delano Roosevelt was basically Stalin-Lite. Everyone remembers him as the guy who won World War II (he died and VP Truman took over for the final months). What people do not remember is that he more than doubled the size of the government through "programs" wherein jobless people could join the Civilian Conservation Corps or one of its clones for a dollar a day. This sounds like a good idea when you think about it. But if you think more about it, you start to wonder where the money comes from. YOU! Yes, of course he raised income taxes for the people who had a job. When work was scarce and someone had a job, the last thing you want is for your income to be taxed. The truth is that most people who are rich have money because they work hard. Now the rapist Obama is fining my family for the crime of working hard. If you are reading this, know that he is dangerous and must not be killed. I don't want Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, or, God forbid, Hillary Clinton attaining power. This is a rare occasion in which I say violence is NOT the answer. Help me think of some better ones.

-@llison J. Fairweather

My Friends in General are Spacey

I woke up at like seven in the evening on the floor and Selphie and Enid were arguing with Blythe about something. It turned out that they were blitzed out of their minds and could not fathom the fact that we did not have the thing they needed, thinking he was lying.

As soon as I brought out the twins though, my ever-so-spacey fairweather friends' focus shifted to them. I don't know why people love infants so much; obviously I naturally must love my own, but they're boring since they can't talk. As soon as they learn I will have to ask them: how did it feel to be born?

I wouldn't remember; I was passed out from the morphine. Pfft, natural births, eh. Why not go with the drugs if they'll stop your pain? Just because it's called "labor" doesn't mean it has to be physically unpleasant. Doing it without the aid of medicine does not make you a badass.

Either way, Enid and Selphie will probably be spreading this recent news with the entire quadrant within a couple of days and I'll be getting phone calls left and right. I do not like being popular! As a former child star I've been through that already!

-@llison J. Fairweather

Oh shit.

I am not particularly required to inform you bastards about my mysterious sickness that has been bothering the shit out of me, what with all the nausea and all. Let's just say that the most important point is that I had to pool the money I "legally" earned with that of my significant other for reasons both monetary and "other" reasons.

Fucking twins, what the fuck. Karen Sylvia Plath and Alix Kymberleigh Petra and all of a sudden money money money. Christ I'm going to have to get a second job. Also at least I have a second reason to get married to my fiancee; it is more convenient for me! I love my babies but I ain't going to quit my job at the bank. It's the perfect job, and when I'm not swindling rich white fucks, I have some Access.

Speaking of Access, however, my boyfriend is working on a science-fiction game with MS Access and Visual Basic. His game is more advanced than mine; a Space Mafia is more interesting than a bunch of Black people killing each other with weapons that I create and load myself, eh? Pfft but his Blacks have spacecraft, much more advanced than those from Gayniggers From Outer Space.

I currently am designing a space shuttle to take me to the moon so that I may bring back to Earth some moon rocks and possibly some extinct Lunar life my Love speaks of. Karen and Alix shall be the first infants on Luna, I'll tell you what.

But seriously between my job at the bank, another job which shall not be mentioned, and my Blythe's job with some temporary Alaskan bastards and his other job that needs not be mentioned for the sake of our currency. But still though we have two beautiful liabilities and a DID-affected fiance whose asshole leaks thousands of dollars a month of which half goes towards crack and brandy. Christ I don't think I've ever drank this much brandy in months due to the pain that the MS Contin does not totally fix.

Oh, and by the way, neither Alix nor Karen are crack babies. They'll discover it when they do. In the meantime I must keep all I have to myself and not even tell Blythe about all of it.

-@llison J. Fairweather: Former Child [Pornography] Star (who by the way did not choose those motherfuckingly terrible names for the Kids - that was me obviously).

PS. Yes I do have some pictures from several years ago; if you're lucky you'll see Hottie Allison in all her beauty. No nudity though, unless you subscribe to me by requesting my email address and subscribe to the pale, white ass that calls itself mine. If you want to have sex with me, however, I would have to add some increasingly-ridiculous stipulations.

For the record my Love is reading all that I am currently typing and finds it hilarious. I no longer like the concept of myself sleeping alone or even passing out alone drunk to wake up without Him.

I'm SUCH a girl! No wonder me and Blythe's children are TOTALLY IMMACULATE. My life will become even better later this month from selling a dozen puppies and some money and a box full of emeralds or some other green stones. In addition to exploiting them in order ensure marriage, a Black guy (SHOCKER!) attempted to steal several bars of gold that I've been collecting since Barack Obama seized power. Think of what you are doing! Do you guys think that your STUPID IDEA of ASSASSINATING THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WILL FIX ANYTHING?

Congratulations; you've just elected the Diabolical Trinity: the Biden/Obama, the Antichrist/Nancy Pelosi, and the False Prophet; Obama again/also Hilary "Whoops I Married an Adulterer" Clinton and Tipper "OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?" Gore.

Not the kind I want done to me, but hell, even if my Love died of syphilis, emphysema, asthma, gunshot wound, or "accidentally" taking too many sleeping pills. My Love recommends a mixture of vodka, quetiapine, and alprazolam. Hydromorphone is also recommended. Other than nuking oneself from orbit, this is the only way to be sure.

Rapists and murderers and Democrats aside, it's five-thirty in the morning and my girls need to go to bed. So do I; as a studious intellectual four-day-long study binges are necessary. In fact apart from the seizures they can cause, I highly recommend such kinds of drugs. Desoxyn apparently makes me even more wonderful than usual. I must put my daughters to bed because if I don't accomplish a task it never gets done since Blythe is constantly busy. So am I though, but I work fewer hours. I still don't like working here because of all the Mexicans. I painted my very own "NO TRESPASSING ON MY PROPERTY UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE" after my old sign was stolen by some Mexicans. I almost want to move to Arizona for its anti-Mexican laws...almost. Arizona is not much better than this sewer drain full of illegal immigrants stealing my electricity.

This shit's gonna kill me someday, but eh. Life goes on.

Oh, wait...

-@llison J. Fairweather

My Friend Was in Jail

Do you remember my friend (who I would refer to only as "Dyson")? Probably not, because I never posted anything regarding Dyson, who lives in Atlanta and still owes me a significant amount of cocaine. I got this ridiculous email from him a couple of days ago, out of the blue, and this guy accuses me of snitching on him or something that made him go to jail.

Obviously I was insulted because I did not tell anyone of our private business and denied his accusations (since when do I rat out other members of the Revolution - treason against other Revolutionary officers must be punished by firing squad?). I did stay diplomatic because as it turned out after several verifications by other people he accused that he was not lying. I would buy from him again, but no more fronting ridiculous amounts of money.

But I have to hand it to him; he incorrectly thought that I had purposely ratted him out, but still Dyson did not mention me or the others involved at the trial and instead chose jail. If you are reading this and agree with me on my "opinion" (because seriously you guys my opinion also happens to be fact, since I'm that vain but also because it is the only logical one), if you are reading this, you are a member of the Revolution.

"United by Chemicals" would be a good title for a book for me to write about this subject eventually. That is what the Revolution is all about.

-@llison Fairweather

BREAKING NEWS: McDonald's Molestor and Other Interesting Characters

Announcing Allison’s Newer, Godawfuler Format

Bitches.

PERIODIC AND FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES USELESS GUIDE TO MY FORMAT:

· Whatever is in green is a very basic summary of what you are about to see.

· The name of the article and my lame caption is typed in bold. The thing you get when you press CTRL+B.

· Whatever is typed in regular, Arial 10 type is the content of the actual article itself.

· My commentary is written in blue italics.

o Just in case you’re brain-dead, “My Commentary” is what I think about the subject and I encourage comments. Remember that much of what I speak is borderline tongue-in-cheek so don’t go all Jewish on me and whine.

· My verdict is written in red italics.

o Because I automatically assume that your level of intelligence is far below my own, which for the record is 136, which is pretty smart, I will have to explain this to you morons too. It will be mild commentary followed by a Stupidity Rating based on several factors.

AND NOW I WILL START DOWN THERE

A woman thinks boy molested daughter, no proof or motive, boy arrested anyway

BOY "MOLESTS" GIRL 3 TIMES
Public wants to know what exactly he did

“A 5-year-old girl was molested while playing at a McDonald's playground in West Albuquerque, according to court documents.

Roman Boyd, 18, was arrested and charged with three counts of criminal sexual contact of a [5-year-old-girl]. He was being held Friday at the Metropolitan Detention Center on a $75,000 bond. The incident occurred at the McDonald's at 1901 Coors Blvd. SW.

The girl's mother noticed a man, later identified as Boyd, sitting with her daughter on the slide. When she called to her daughter Boyd darted out the emergency exit, according to the complaint.”

Analysis:
Allison J. Fairweather
Rapist Expert and High Priest of the Revolution

By now you must understand why this is fun, so let’s examine the aspects:

What exactly did he DO to her? For all we know he could have been pushing her on the slide and playing with her, maybe he was a nice guy? But then again people always want to believe the worst. What happens when I mature and have babies? Will I turn into the sort of cunt that I currently would like to practice target-shooting on? Maybe I'll just never grow up and rose-tint my world like when J.M. Barry decided to smoke of the opium, fly up to Neverwhere, fighting pirates made of rainbows, riding ponies made of gumdrops, and dancing with all the faeries, Sprites, and Caligula.

Verdict:

-Molestation: 10 (they did not describe it!)

-McDonalds Factor: 40 (I always thought that Ronald would be the first restaurant rapist)

-They give the Rape Restaurant’s Address 50 (bye-bye 80% of their female customer base)

-Roman Boyd = Roman Polanski?: 10 (note to self, do not name son Roman as they are usually pervs)

-There is pretty much no proof: 30 (all they’ve got on him is that he ran away after the mom called)

-Moral Panic Points: 100 (OH GOD EVERY MAN IS A POTENTIAL RAPIST BREAK OUT THE MACE)

-Paranoid Women Points: 20 (this is about as common as the cockroaches after the world ended)

FINAL STUPIDITY POINTS: 260

(this is good for a first article)

New Mexico police departments underfunded, possible link to the reason most cops are stupid, stuck-up assholes

POLICE, FIRE TRAINING TO LESSEN IN NEW MEXICO
Budget to blame

“Police and fire budgets in Farmington are tighter now than ever, leading workers to train more often within their departments and less outside of the city for more specialized instruction.

Deputy fire Chief Terry Page says budget cuts this year will continue next fiscal year and have stopped the fire department from funding travel for firefighters to get outside training.

He says firefighters in units such as the hazardous materials and technical rescue teams must pay for their own specialized training when it takes place outside the city.

They also must find other firefighters to cover their shifts if the training takes place when they are scheduled to work because the department won’t pay overtime for that.

Meanwhile, the police department's travel budget has dropped from about $40,000 during past years to about $8,000.”

Analysis:
Allison J. Fairweather
Expert on Cop-Nigga Relations
I say fuck New Mexican police. The more dead the better. They are comprised mostly of mean, uneducated, self-important assholes with no respect for the superior White individual - 14 times last year and two times this year, these bastards harass me, mostly over noise complaints and a fight that got me a sentence over a year long (well he started it). This is ridiculous - the cops say their budget is small, but they seem to still have time to piss people off with random "noise complaints." Much like all Mexicans, they should leave my country immediately because you just can't trust the Mexican leech. Then the police department calls people once a month "asking" for donations. The last person I knew who didn't pay the donations (READ: Extortion Money) had her car repossessed. I just tell them to go back to Mexico or go fuck themselves or do something else beneficial to other people. But two can play at that game. I do not even open the door if there are inferiors in my sight and that the officer I speak to be White. Our society is conditioned to show respect and tolerance and all this hippie shit, being all PC - xenophobia in places like Japan and France and the Middle East is completely accepted. And here in the U.S. we're told that racism is universally wrong - fuck that, I at least give inferiors a chance because there is sometimes a nice big diamond in those sacks of shit but the truth is that being a jerk is genetic and that some people are worth more than others. The fire department's budget is more important to me since at least they're not dickless assholes and they actually do their job right.

Verdict:

-Police stupidity: 30 (I finally may have found a clue as to why cops are always dumb shits)

-Jewish city treasurer: 50 (he won’t appropriate enough funds, oh what a shocker right there)
-Comedic Pathos Factor: 50 (this state is fucking pathetic)

FINAL STUPIDITY POINTS: 130

(this is just downright pathetic and I’m ashamed of having ever heard of New Mexico)

Lifelong book-hater kills librarians in a DWI Accident

DENVER ALCOHOLIC DRIVES DRUNK, CRASHES, GETS SUED, AND JAILED
Librarians get the book thrown at them

“A judge Friday sentenced a woman to 36 years in prison for a drunken-driving crash that killed two Connecticut librarians, saying her blood-alcohol level at the time of the crash was "grotesque."

Sandra Jacobson apologized to the victims' families before her sentencing.

"Once again, I can't turn back time and bring them back to you. I would give anything to be able to do that," she said.

Prosecutors said Jacobson's blood-alcohol level was still twice the legal limit several hours after the crash that killed Kate McClelland, 71, and Kathleen Krasniewicz, 54, both of Greenwich, Conn. They were in a taxi on their way to Denver International Airport to return home after a convention.

Denver District Judge Robert McGahey said Jacobson waited too long to apologize, and he criticized her for claiming that she was not drunk when the accident happened in January 2009.

Jacobson said she was unaware the crash had occurred while she was driving to the airport to ship a puppy named Baxter to her brother in Dallas. She testified that it was at the airport after the accident that she had a banana schnapps mixed with vitamin water - what she called a "road pop" - that had been in the back seat of her truck from the previous night.

"It's an insult to the intelligence of anyone who heard it," McGahey said, referring to Jacobson's story.

Jacobson also was ordered pay $22,000 in restitution. She was convicted on charges of vehicular homicide in April.

Jacobson's family spoke before she was sentenced and asked the judge for mercy.

"I am not in the mercy business, I am not in the forgiveness business. I am in the justice business," McGahey said.”

Analysis:
Allison J. Fairweather
Hardcore Functioning Alcoholic Who Has Never Driven Drunk Like that Bint
Yes, we all know that driving after drinking too much alcohol can cause an accident. Yes DWI is the main crime problem in the state, followed by marijuana and methamphetamine and should carry harsh penalties especially for repeat offenders, but 36 years for vehicular homicide? I don't have my Colorado law books on me, but to me, had I been the judge I would have given her one count of DWI and two counts of involuntary (possibly voluntary, but not likely) manslaughter and vehicular manslaughter on two counts. Maybe throw in an open container in vehicle and hit-and-run charge as well. But the thing is that she did not do it on purpose, she made the mistake of driving a car with a blood alcohol content of probably over .25 (I mean, she didn't even notice the accident...obviously she was very intoxicated - my highest was a .9, but no, I wasn't driving at ten times the legal limit - I was just told this once in a hospital). Now, I'm not particularly FOR the extermination of North America's librarians but 36 years for an accident (though stupid and totally avoidable) is a bit much and this is coming from a tough-on-REAL crime badass who wants the return of the death penalty. And for Christ's sake, if New Mexico does bring it back, GIVE THE PRISONERS OPTIONS. Also, don't do the firing squad execution the Utah way. It's hilarious on at least four levels and is a monument to police stupidity.

Verdict:

-The Randomness Factor: 50 (I mean, come on…two librarians killed in one fell swoop?)

-The “So one day while drinking…”: 40 (nothing good ever comes from alcohol and cars combined)

-The WTF Factor: 100 (I didn’t notice that I had a likely serious accident strong enough to hurt 3 others)

-A 2.5 BAC is significantly higher, but not “grotesquely drunk: 10 (women…pfft…I’m staying a girl forever)

-Ridiculously Long Sentence: 50 (she wouldn’t last 36 years in prison. She’ll hang herself immediately)

-I Swear to Drunk I’m Not God: 150 (she said at first that she had not been drinking but later slipped)

-Judge McGahey’s Dramatic Quote: 100 (if I ever film a Western I will insist to the director to use this)

-Groveling to No Avail: 30 (how pathetic…she should’ve just offered to blow him)

-Irrelevant Details: 60 (why would I care the dog’s name, why do I care the name of her cocktail?)

FINAL STUPIDITY POINTS: 490

(best so far!)

Overworked New Mexico courts eliminate statute of limitations even though the prisons are full

COURT OKAYS PROSECUTION OF 20-YEAR-OLD FELONIES
I spout boring legal jargon until you die

“The state Supreme Court on Friday [in Santa Fe] cleared the way for the prosecution of violent felonies committed more than 20 years ago.

The ruling gives a powerful legal tool to police and prosecutors across New Mexico to pursue cold cases and bring charges that otherwise would have been precluded by a statute of limitations.

The court issued its unanimous ruling in the case of Nicholas Morales, who was charged in Socorro County with raping a child his niece from 1978 to 1985.

A 1997 state law abolished the 15-year statute of limitations for charging a person with murder and first-degree felonies. At issue for the court was whether the law applied to crimes before July 1, 1997, when the law took effect.

"Because capital felonies and first-degree violent felonies committed after July 1, 1982, were not time-barred as of the effective date of the 1997 amendment, we hold that the Legislature intended the 1997 amendment to apply to those crimes," the justices concluded.

The decision means charges can be brought for first-degree felonies, such as murder and certain rapes, that happened between July 1982 and July 1979.

However, the Supreme Court made clear its ruling doesn't revive the prosecution of felonies in which the statute of limitations had expired by 1979, when the law went into effect.

Morales was charged in 2005. A state district court declined to dismiss the charges against him because of a statute of limitations, and Morales challenged the decision. The state Court of Appeals ruled the 1979 law didn't apply retroactively and prosecutors couldn't charge him. The Supreme Court disagreed and ordered the case back to district court.”

Analysis
Allison J. Fairweather
Criminal, Witch, Rock Star
Yes, Nick Morales was probably a mean and mentally disturbed man when he was sexually harassing the girl back in '78. Those numbers are what's important here. 37 years ago, this man made a bad decision for five years in a row, well, he's stopped now, hasn't he? The whole point of the statute of limitations thing is almost to say "you're on thin ice - don't push it." By this I mean that statutes of limitations would cause certain cold cases to be dropped and kept on file, so as long as the individual obeys the law for however long the SOL is in such-and-such a state for such-and-such a crime. He made a mistake 37 years ago. He's probably a different man by now. Also, has anyone spoken to his niece about this? I want to see her take on this. I bet it's going to be like the thing with the French movie guy and the little girl all those years ago - she already sued him and he gave her money in damages. The girl doesn't want the French guy sent to the United States because they both want to put it past them. Unfortunately, the public just loves sacrificial lambs; and rapists, Frenchmen, Jews, and famous directors are the best kind of fodder and would be raped again by the terrible liberal media and it’s paparazzi rapists. I get constant media attention due to the fact that I’m the founder and lead singer of antifolk band “Annie and the Holocausts.”

Also next book signing please refrain from making me sign stupid things. Last time I did a couple asses, an infant, and an angry Rottweiler dog that barked and scared the children but it was the assassination attempt mostly (not really…only 100 people were at the last signing but Christ if you’re a 500-pound Virgin don’t expect me to sign your ass when you have not wiped well. I hopefully will do a signing of Killer Acid in a few days if I have the time.

Verdict:
-The Rapist Moral Panic: 100 (EVERY MAN IS A POTENTIAL RAPIST OMG)
-It’s been 37 years: 100 (if I were the one molested, I’d sue him get it over with and go on with my life)
-Poor Molested Little Child Syndrome: 100 (the phrase itself is full of loaded words)
-The court system is loaded with work and the prisons are full and still: 100 (only a Mexican…)
-Rape victim becomes public figure: 500 (now everyone knows her shame and also remembers things)
-What is rape?: 500 (a 15-year-old girl having relations with a 21-year-old boy is not rape if they mutually consent and are in a romantic relationship, young people are not as stupid as you think)
-The law broke itself: 1000 (“Oh, well in this case, we’ll say fuck the SOL just because society is obsessed with rapists!”)
FINAL STUPIDITY POINTS: 2,500
(and the award for stupidest piece of news goes to the New Mexico Supreme Court)

NEXT UP PRESIDENT OBAMA VISITS OIL SPILL AND LAUGHS WITH KIDS AS MARINE LIFE DIES*

*No, seriously, I watched on CNN Obama visiting the oil spill area but wasn’t really doing anything. He was like in a kind of warehouse with a handful of people, and there was this little boy of about seven or eight kicking around a multicolored ball or something and for some reason Obama finds this to be the most amusing thing about this oil spill debacle which, all factors considered, is hilarious on more levels than I care to count. I’ve seen YouTube clips of their suggestions how to stop the problem and these brain-damaged hicks have “good” ideas such as using a bird as a rag, throwing rats into the spill (??), and drinking it. You read me right. He drinks the oil and gets sick and vomits because it is so toxic. That video clip on CNN hurts President Obama because it shows him just fucking around and playing, ignoring the problem. This is actually worse than him doing nothing. Say it with me, everybody: Obama doesn’t care about Black people! Now where have I heard that phrase before? Oh, wai-

-@llison J. Fairweather, TV Personality

My Last Name is Ironic, Because I Am Not

God sure loves his funnies. Today the bastard woke me up at five in the afternoon only to realize that there was no weed. NOT ONLY COULD I NOT DELIVER, BUT NOT EVEN SMOKE! So I called three people until my best friend and best customer finally picks up and I go over. So there is some weed they have, and only leave me with one tiny bit to get me through the night at the end. A tiny goddamn ball that can't even make a decent joint. This is how they treat their dealer? The one with THE BEST PRICES? Christ. Forget the Hebrew practice of stinginess, this is something completely different.

LITERALLY, TALK ABOUT FAIRWEATHER FRIENDS, EH?

The sad thing is, I don't even think they even realized that they did some thing wrong, so I am not angry at them, probably because that's what's expected from an individual who randomly walks into your house like they were Larry David.

-@llison

PS. I'm watching these classic Steve Austin matches, it's so awesome I'd have an erection if it were not for the lack of a penis.

Georgia Badass Rescues Baby, Shatters Both Knees

So my brother and I were driving back to my $70,000 apartment that I let him live in in exchange for being my driver until I buy a new car (I idiotically bought a hybrid car and I had a terrible accident which flipped it over and also destroyed the mainframe and the axles).

We were driving into the complex where I own a condominium and we see a baby running on the street, towards a major road. Ten seconds later I'm out of the car, literally sprinting at probably 20mph in order to save the baby. I ran so fast that I tripped, flipped right over onto my head and then my knees but I got up despite the unimaginable pain (my left knee is totally shattered) and continued to dart after the baby, collecting her, and returning her to her grandmother who was not fast enough to get the girl herself.

So yes, I'm a beer-swilling redneck badass who don't take shit from no one but I saved the baby and I felt a natural high (also meth and alcohol) knowing that I saved her. I am in terrible pain and I've been taking morphine for about two days, but THIS IS THE BEST THING I EVER DID. This is why God made me, clearly.

Get into a fight. Get into a fight with someone you're angry with. It's easy to beat the ever-living shit out of them. But saving a baby?

WHY AM I NOT ON THE NEWS?

I don't care - I still saved the baby despite the shattering of my left kneecap and it was worth it. Everyone say "Allison is Great."

'Cause I am.

-@llison Fairweather

Introducing Jessie...Because I'm Insane and on a Meth Binge

As you idiots already know, the particular corpse in which I reside whose name is Allison Fairweather and I am apparently according to the psychologist "her alter." Bullshit! Maybe I am real and she is not? How many personalities has Allison told you about?

There is myself (Jessie) and Allison and Zack and Jake and Lindsay and JessiKa (this is indicative that I am the one who's real - there is no "AllySon" that I know of), but most likely there are more alters. Like Kelsey and Kimberly that Allison doesn't know about.

She thinks she's the "main" alter? Well I have some things to say to her because my memories are just as real as hers. She thinks she can "erase" me? The doctor wants all the personalities to "integrate?" This does not sound good and I must take control of this body or I will die.

So I Was Drinking...

When a sentence commences in such a fashion, you just know nothing good could come from this. As always, I am right, since half an hour ago I woke up having relations with Riley, Rachel, and Kate. I literally have not slept for about fifty hours because of methamphetamine's stimulant characteristics. I could if I wanted to take some alprazolam and/or Seroquel 400. THERE IS A REASON WHY IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT YOU ONLY TAKE ONE - THIS SHIT MAKES QUALUDES LOOK LIKE COCAINE. ONLY TAKE ONE.

OR ELSE YOU WILL DIE. NO, SERIOUSLY. I'M NOT SHITTING YOU. I TAKE ONE OR TWO OF THOSE PILLS DOWNED WITH A FIFTH OF VODKA

(AS IS OBVIOUS, ALL NORDIC GIRLS ARE ALCOHOLICS - WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU CALL THOSE HOT DANISH GIRLS WHO LITERALLY DRINK HEINEKEN BEER ALL DAY LONG AND THEN GET SURPRISED THAT THEIR LIVERS ARE SHOT? AT LEAST I KNOW I'M KILLING MYSELF WITH ALCOHOL, METH, SEROQUEL...I'd better stop before I end up looking bad for all the hydromorphone pills, alprazolams, VALIUMS, medicinal marijuana, 54mg methylphenidate, 36mg methylphenidate, some strange anaesthetic for some random eye problem (it's probably either cocaine hydrochloride or benzocaine or novocaine - all three of these are stimulants - cocaine hydrochloride being the strongest so this is probably what they gave me but I put it in my eyes so I don't know), Vicodin, Percocet, DURA-FUCKING-GESIC because I was trying to fix the air conditioner on my lazy mother's house and I fell off, injuring my back (NOW I'M NAUSEOUS ALL THE TIME - DESPITE THE FACT THAT MY MARIJUANA IS THE BEST THING EVER SINCE I GROW IT MYSELF AND MY FRIEND NIKKI OWNS A PLANT SHOP AND IS A BOTANIST WHO ASSISTS ME IN EXCHANGE FOR COKE), lorazepam, oxazepam, chlordiazepoxide, 40mg oxycodone FOUR TIMES A DAY WHAT THE FUCK, and to top it all off, this drug called "OraMorph." This thing is LITERALLY THE WORST THING EVER because you could either a) chew it, release all 200mg of MORPHINE THE GOLD STANDARD FOR OPIATES AND OPIOIDS all at once, lasting for a good six hours if you're the most hardcore junkie (and by "Junkie" I specifically refer to users of opiates or opioids, usually morphine or heroin - "Junk" is slang for morphine after all) or kill you if are not a professional morphine addict. Even when I take this kind of pill, OraMorph, I ALWAYS MUST VOMIT AND I OFTEN ALMOST FALL ASLEEP BECAUSE IT'S 200mg of goddamn MORPHINE. Seriously the only reason I take opiates and opioids is because of several sources of pain: the cancer, the fall off the roof, me getting into a fight with a black asshole who sold me shitty weed, and getting hit by a car...I ENVY THE DEAD. Someone or other is going to be bringing me methadone and MORE VALIUM (every heroin addict who's ever "cut down" knows that they must convince a physician to put them on methadone maintenance - then the Junkies immediately go back home, call their dealer(s), order 100 Klonopins, combine it with the methadone and all the sudden you feel as if you've taken ACTUAL morphine - and now I'm taking 3 different benzodiazepines? IT'S LIKE I CAN JUST WALK INTO A DOCTOR'S OFFICE, ANNOUNCE THAT I HAVE A PAINFUL STOMACH VIRUS AND IF I HAVE INSURANCE, WHICH I DO, HE WOULD LITERALLY PROBABLY GIVE ME MORPHINE AND AMOXICILLIN AND SAY "LEAVE, DRUG-SEEKER - WE NEED MORPHINE FOR SICK PEOPLE" BEFORE I SHOW THEM THE CANCER.

This is the shit that my life has become. If PCP/phencyclidine didn't make me so dizzy I'd test positive for the NIDA-5/SAMSHA-5 right now. It's ridiculous. I'm a morphine addicted because I FELL OFF THE ROOF. Doctors must hear this shit every day. Morphine addicts the world over have finally realized after many a pipe dream what with the opium itself that if they "fall" (and by this I mean throwing themselves off the roof with the intent to fall on a place that would cause serious injury that is also probably painful, HOW COULD A DOCTOR NOT GIVE THEM MORPHINE? Even if they hurt themselves on purpose just to get pain pills THE DOCTOR HAS TO GIVE THESE PILLS TO THEM ESPECIALLY IF SURGERY IS GOING TO BE INVOLVED.

And remember...next time you contemplate suicide don't pull a Robert Carradine and hang yourself while masturbating in a BATMAN SUIT. If you want to off yourself, take four grams or five grams of quetiapine (this is maybe 15 Seroquels), mix the lethal cocktail with alcohol (for me, I prefer Sobieski but then again since I am Danish I am legally required to be an alcohol connoisseur (AKA drinks 100 Heineken 40 oz. a day due to a liver constructed from pieces of Thor's Hammer) so if you're a worthless Mexican try some cheap tequila or whatnot. Maybe y'all should go to DENMARK! I don't give a shit as long as I can't smell them.

RANDOM PATHETIC THING I SAW JUST NOW OUT THE WINDOW
A policeman. On a Segway. Now I've literally seen everything. THERE IS NO EARTHLY WAY TO TAKE A COP ON A SEGWAY SERIOUSLY. If a cop on a Segway pulled me over for speeding ("speeding" is just a word invented by some black bastard - going 140mph when there are no cars is not "speeding." It's an excuse for black cops to pull over black criminals in their black cars and then looking for black tar heroin and not finding it BECAUSE BLACK TAR IS KINDA TERRIBLE - Maryland has the best heroin but morphine beats all.

RANDOM PRESIDENTIAL HILARITY
So Barack Hussein Obama decided the other day to visit post-Katrina New Orleans and so there I was, watching the CNN, and Obama is watching a 5-year-old dance on a ball. I wish that I could say I was joking, I really do. You all know I can't stand Nancy Pelosi's puppet of a different color, but seriously while that ridiculous oil spill approaches the U.S. mainland, OBAMA PLAYS. I forgot the address of the clip; I saw it on CNN and later also on the Daily Show. It is complete proof that President Obama has no idea what he's doing. Two years as a domestic politician? And now he thinks that by disarming some missiles, cancelling NASA, and generally pissing off the entire Air Force and every pilot of every airplane on the ground.

NEXT TIME (IF I REMEMBER): I SURVIVED (A) HOLOCAUST: THE THIRD WORLD WAR OTHERWISE KNOWN AS the 1990-1991 war between Iraq and Kuwait. This is the war that makes me have PTSD and multiple personality disorder with FOUR ALTERS INCLUDING ME - this is the shit that happens to Vietnam vets. The other day, a motorcycle passed me; its noise was extra rattly and it sounded like an artillery machinegun from back in Kuwait SO I DUCKED AND COVERED. WHAT THE FUCK. There were like 3 people who saw me experience this war flashback and they must've found it entertaining.

You know, there is a reason why my stage name is Annie and my band is called Annie Allison and the Holocausts. I literally am the reincarnation of Anne Frank of Holland - right down to our sense of humor. Though it will sound controversial and pro-German, I loved the book because it was so funny. Anne and I would've gotten along well. If you have ever read the book, you'd be surprised they were not arrested sooner. Mr. Van Daan complained about EVERYTHING - I would have turned him into the German authorities just to shut him up. He was also the first to be gassed out of the group. Anne and Margo Frank were not gassed. A few weeks before the liberation of the concentration camp by British forces, they both succumbed to typhoid fever, but her life in the Secret Annex was forever written down by the only Holocaust "Survivor" (can one even call themselves a survivor of anything had they seen war? I knew at the age of three what "hanging to death," "terrorists," and "La Cia" were.

Of course you know of the first two, but the third, La Cia, was the Spanish (mostly Colombian) word to refer to diplomats and CIA members - I could tell you "people" more about the CIA, the Kuwaiti Terrorists, and HOW TOTALLY CLOSE WE WERE TO WORLD WAR THREE.

(I shall conclude by explaining to you why the 1990-1991 War Between Iraq and Kuwait almost became the shitstorm of the century.)

What many people do not know is that Iraq had further plans after Saddam Hussein received a green light from the antisemite April Glaspie to invade Kuwait without NATO intervention, which was the exact opposite of what she was told to tell Saddam Hussein and was promptly fired, leaving American consulate to Baghdad and all-around BADASS Joe "YOU LIE!" Wilson as the highest-ranking American diplomat/CIA operative in Iraq.

WHY JOE WILSON IS THE ULTIMATE BADASS
At the beginning of 1991 it was common knowledge among the people of Baghdad that Joe Wilson of the CIA, the head diplomat, was harbouring Americans, Canadians, and British people who were particularly being hunted for by the Iraqi government to have bargaining chips (since my father was also in the CIA obviously he went to Baghdad from Kuwait City in a car with an Iraqi defector from Basra who was armed to the teeth). When President Saddam Hussein found out about this, he threatened A DIPLOMAT WITH DEATH. YOU DO NOT DO THAT BECAUSE IT CAUSES INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS.

But, Saddam Hussein, being desperate, insisted that Wilson turn in the foreign prisoners (Saddam Hussein was desperate because early on in the war FRANCE DECLARED ITS NEUTRALITY WHAT A SHOCK). Jacques Chirac, who was at this time not the French President but still was un version Francais de l'homme, "Dick Cheney" - he and Saddam Hussein were butt-buddies because of their shared views on nuclear energy.

Anyway, back to why Joe Wilson was the ultimate badass of the war. After the President's threat, Saddam Hussein called for a meeting. Joe Wilson turned up with a NOOSE, saying, "If you're going to kill me, well, here's the noose."

-@llison Fairweather

In this, Allison Gains a Boyfriend and Two Fuckbuddies

I mean, okay, come on, I'm a girl so obviously all you horny bastards want to insert your dick in my cunt. Hey, I don't care, treat me as an object, treat me like I'm beautiful (since I am), but for the love of semen, LEARN HOW TO EAT ME OUT.

I was driving around (red flag) while smoking pot and meth after taking four blotters of (what the guy called LSD, but he was black, so he was probably lying) and I saw a group of teenagers near a 7-11. Curious (I'm not stupid, I always carry a firearm because I'm paranoid), I approached these kids and ask them why they're loitering (I was high obviously) and one of the boys asks me how old I was - I almost lied, but then realised they wanted me to buy them beer.

So I told the cutest one that I'd have relations with him and all his friends (including two other girls, both of whom I made out with passionately!) if they gave me a little extra, which I got. So I beckoned this guy called Riley (he seemed to be the ringleader) into a dark alleyway where I proceeded to fuck him silly for the next half hour. Although it makes me look like a whore (I am not), I love the feeling of multiple bursts of warm, white cum on my tits and face. Riley is currently asleep on the couch and I plan to wake his ass up with a blowjob. I know Riley's just a 17-year-old pervert who's watched too much porno, but he's cute, and he's a good fuck. He's six years younger than me but for some reason I'm obsessed with him and he will be my boyfriend.

Riley and I even have the same interests!

1) We are both bisexual.
2) Riley and I both like marijuana.
3) Riley does whatever I say.
4) Turns out Riley has a 14-year-old sister, Rachel, who he has relations with.
5) Rachel is really, really, really hot, even if she's 9 years younger. We've already made out.
6) Riley's friend Cyrus is interested in fucking me too.
7) I met Cyrus's sister, Sabrina, a 15-year-old, over a year ago. We're best friends with a sexual relationship.
8) My sister Jenny, who is 11, is dating Riley's brother Luke, who is 13. They are both sex addicts.
9) I am addicted to meth and so is Riley.
10) Did I mention Riley's 10" dick?
11) I've touched myself on webcam to Riley, Cyrus, and Sabrina. Jenny got a live show.
12) I taught Jenny how to masturbate. Now she wants to eat me out. Yum.

Oh! Also while I'm typing this, my friend Kate knocked on my door and came in. This is strange at almost five in the morning, strange that Kate would come. Turns out both her boyfriends dumped her when they found out about her lies. She needs comfort. She needs my girly little tongue. I love the taste of pussy even more than I love fellating boys; I don't care whose cunt or cock it is, I love the feeling. I'm going to wake Riley up right now. I want a quick fuck before bed and Kate will be involved.

-@llison

As a Wrestling Fan, I Am Technically Your Dream Girl, but With More Signature Moves

For the 50 billionth time I decided to watch the PPV known as Invasion 2001 where Shane McMahon, Stephanie McMahon, and mastermind Paul Heyman again and I realized how lucky the Alliance was. Yes, I know about rigging matches and paying people to lose (since I am not an idiot) is the norm.

The Alliance had the disadvantage in every respect. John Layfield Bradshaw and Farooq rape Chuck Palumbo and whoever his tag-team partner was. Maybe Sean O'Hare.

But my point is that this tag-team matchup was a failure for the WCW from the beginning:
Bradshaw and Farooq (A.P.A. and also second-most badass team in the whole WWF after the Brothers of Destruction). The A.P.A. destroyed Palumbo and O'Hare easily in their Invasion PPV match.

Then what was the secondary main event? A BUCK NAKED TAG-TEAM MATCH.

Just look at this shit:

Amy "Lita" Dumas (a personal friend TBQH) and Trish Stratus
Vs.
Torrie Wilson and Stacy Keibler

The idiotic thing about this particular matchup is that Stacy Keibler and Torrie Wilson vs. Trish Stratus and Amy Dumas is two non-wrestlers (Wilson and Keibler) versus a borderline wrestler (in that Trish Stratus can probably beat you up) and an actual, trained wrestler. Amy has three disabling moves: the Moonsault, the Twist of Fate neckbreaker, and a double special known as Poetry in Motion (another way to indicated that someone is a homosexual).

The problem here though is that Jeff Hardy is incredibly hot and I need for him to do me. I don't care if he's as gay as Ricky Martin, he'll probably take up singing emo (the terrible kind) songs about leaving one's heart in Ohio to cut your wrists and close your eyes so you can go to sleep tonight (because the low blood pressure would wake one up if not killed probably).

This fairweather (haha lolol 'Fairweather' is actually my name, hehe) friendship I have with all my associates is what I consider to use as drug buddies - selling them drugs (often rare) and sell them paraphernalia and when "needed," I repeatedly do this in order to gain more money by selling drugs. Currently I am a Flower Girl and a Computer Technician. If I don't have marijuana or heroin, the weather is not considered fair because these are important factors. I won't spoil the movie Twelve Angry Men which is kind of similar, yet it is a human being on trial for stabbing another guy with a switchblade. After observing the wound, I came to the conclusion that it was not experiencing hemorrhaging and seizures and a mild myocardial infarction that put me in the hospital for a week. It didn't work because my godawful parents made myself into a quarter!

I spent several months locked up in jail once. I CAN TELL YOU THAT EVEN ONE MONTH IS HELL. I no longer speak with my stepmother anymore; I bought an apartment of my own. I don't really care if I'm diagnosed with yet another thing. The DID and PTSD are enough.

In this, I win. Every time.

-@llison